No matter if your relationship is new or it’s lasting for many years, at any moment you can realize that you’re unsure about your relationship. What happened? Why are you feeling like that and what you should do now? To leave your partner or to work on yourself and your relationship?
As the song says: “Should I stay or should I go?”
What to do? Let’s see together.
Let’s see what are the main reasons you feel like that and what are the 3 solutions you can do. I will mention one more solution that many people who feel unsure about their partners choose. Unfortunately. Because it hurts their partners. So check what is it to know what to avoid.
Why am I Feeling Unsure About My Relationship?
Distinction Between You Two
Your view of the world, your plans for the future, and your emotional needs are different from your partners’ – you realized it. You’re unsure about your relationship regardless of how many things you’ve shared till now or how good time you’ve spent together. It stays in the shadow while you think about your differences all the time.
The different characters are not always a problem if both partners want to accept their differences and adjust some of their habits to find a golden mean. However, if you realize your and your partner’s worldviews don’t complement, that may be the reason why you feel something lacking in your relationship and you have that feeling you’re unsure.
“Everything’s okay”, you think, “but after spending time with him/her, I don’t feel as I should “
And we should feel complete. Satisfied. If we do not, that’s the reason we feel unsure about relationships. Every relationship – in family, friendship, and finally in love – is based on welfare. If you get bored during the meeting with your partner, that’s a sign something’s wrong. Or if you live together and you prefer spending all the time alone, again it’s a sign.
Even if you don’t fight, you feel you and your partner are not on the same side. You’re trying to comply, you’re listening to him/her, discussing, and everything as usual, but inside you, there’s a hole that is not getting full regardless of how long you spend with your partner. You don’t feel he/she understands you.
It’s normal that some of your interests are different so you won’t be interested in everything he/she is talking about, it’s obvious. But there still should be many topics you can talk about and joke about. Humor is one of the most important things in any relationship.
Humor lights a spark.
When you fight, humor can soothe it. If hard times come in your lives, making each other laugh makes the situation easier to handle. And you get even closer.
But when you are unsure about your relationship, you’re not genuine when it comes to listening to your partner. You listen to them just to be kind. You expect your partner to do the same and get disappointed if he/she is consistent and doesn’t listen to your story that he/she is not interested in.
And why he/she is not interested?
Again, because of the distinction between your views, between your levels.
Someone may prefer intellectual topics and look at the world in a scientific way. Others may have an artistic view of life. And that’s ok. Accept your nature. Nobody should change because of someone. But in that case, these people are not supposed to be together. They are simply not compatible.
It’s completely ok to realize it and to separate then. It’s about just one person who doesn’t match you. Yes, you thought he/she is the right one for you but at the beginning of the relationship, we see our partners differently. Besides, people change so it may be you who have changed or your partner is not the person from the beginning of your love story.
Accepting reality and leaving your partner is the best thing you can do. That way, you give him/her the opportunity to find someone who suits her/him better. Also, you give the opportunity to yourself to be happy with the right person. That’s the first solution you can do but about it later. Now, let’s see what could be other reasons why you’re feeling unsure about your relationship.
Lack Of Sexual Attraction
One more situation can be when you feel nice spending time with your partner but you don’t feel the flame. Your sexual life is boring or you don’t feel a desire for sex. You do it only as a routine. Or it may be the distinction between the sexual preferences of you and your partner.
In that case, you’re unsure about your relationship because you wouldn’t want to quit contact with your partner but it’s not a real relationship if there’s no sexual flame.
It may seem the situation is clear. You’re only friends if there’s no sexual attraction, at least not on your side. However, you see your partner is quite satisfied with your relationship including your sexual life. In that case, you can’t just leave him/her and that’s the reason you feel unsure about your relationship.
Moreover, you don’t want to lose such a good friend. There’s no friendship after a romantic relationship, that’s obvious. Especially not if one partner is still into the other one. If you break out and your other half gets hurt, your suggestion about staying friends will be surely refused.
Suddenly – no partner, no friend in your life.
You know that and that’s why you’re afraid to break out.
Afraid Of Losing Reputation
There is also the possibility you are in a relationship in which you share many things with your partner. For example, you may have kids, and common real estate, or your families are close to each other. You have a reputation as a respectable family man/woman.
So, you don’t want to quit your relationship or marriage because of your reputation. However, at the same time, you’re aware you don’t have the feelings you should have so you’re unsure what to do.
You lack a flame when spending time with your partner but you don’t want to give up on your relationship because the harmony in your social environment will be destroyed. Your family could blame you for that you have left so nice man/woman or kids. People will talk and not so good things about you as now. You know it and that makes you feel unsure about your relationship.
Afraid Of Be Alone Again
You’ve never been lucky in love. You were doing hard to have the current relationship. Therefore, you don’t want to lose it so easily. It may be so hard to decide what to do. If you quit, you’ll be alone again. And then, the new battle begins again: searching for a partner, datings, winning her/his heart, and so on. And numerous fails meanwhile. Who would like to pass through it again? It may be better to stay in the current situation but it’s not easy either. Uh, a really hard situation that may make you feel powerless.
3 Solutions When Feeling Unsure About Relationship
1. Find Your Luck On Another Place
The first option is to accept you find your partner a friend and to get more than friendship with that man/woman is impossible. Therefore, it’s time for leaving. It won’t be easy to tell them the truth if your partner has romantic feelings. But if you love him/her as a friend, you surely don’t want to lie to him/her. You should leave them to go and find someone suitable for them, just like you should, too.
But what about your reputation?
Ehm, that’s the reality. You know, as it said, you can’t feed the wolf and leave the goat alive. Something must be sacrificed. Now it seems like a disaster. Your parents will get angry, stop talking with you, the neighborhood will talk just about you, the gossip that you’ve cheated on your partner will appear, and so on and so on.
But the reality is that people will talk for only a day or two. After a few days, your situation will be almost forgotten. The thing is people talk about themselves the most. We think they talk about us but they did not. One enjoys conversation the most when talking about themselves.
To conclude, it’s not worth staying in an unsatisfied relationship just because of the fear people will talk bad things about you.
And what about your loneliness?
Accept your loneliness. There’s no sense in fighting against it. As soon you accept yourself and appreciate the time spent alone, as soon may come the time to meet your soul mate, the right person for you. Why does that happen? Because you change your energy. The old you who was craving company, relationships, anyone changes into a person who is satisfied single and besides, self-confident and healthier. With energy like that, you’ll more likely to attract a great person into your life.
2. Ask Your Partner For Help
The second solution is – be honest with your partner and tell them how you feel. Yes, you risk your partner will feel bad after your confession since he/she didn’t expect he/she isn’t attractive to you, their partner. We all want to be as loveable as we love others. So it won’t be easy to say to your boyfriend or girlfriend but you want to quit that feeling of unsureness about your relationship, right?
After the confession, be prepared to lose everything or to get incredible positive change in your relationship. It depends on your partner. If he/she wants to keep you in his/ her life, he/she will make an effort to bring a flame into the relationship. It may happen in bed if you lack sexual excitement or the effort may be visible in everyday communication and actions.
In the opposite case, your partner will conclude you should separate. That’s only the indicator your relationship is meant to be over.
3. Keep Your Reputation
The third option when you feel unsure about your relationship is to make an agreement with yourself: you’ll stay in the relationship to keep your reputation and with that in mind, you won’t complain about your relationship – how unhappy you are and similar.
Staying in the relationship was your choice and you need to accept you’re not in the ideal relationship but for your reputation, you’ll sacrifice.
If you think your partner shares your feelings and thoughts about your relationship, you can tell them about your decision. In the opposite case, it may be better to keep the truth so that your partner doesn’t get hurt. In that case, you’re choosing to live insincere life which leads us to the solution one. Isn’t it better to quit than lying to your partner and the people around you?
Not Recommended Solution (Many People Choose)
When stuck in the situations described above, people often choose to keep their reputation. However, after some time they see they lack the flame so much. Therefore, they find another man/woman to please their romantic/sexual needs while keeping the whole reputation, material goods, and so on.
This is anything else but a solution. For many people, it seems a great way to satisfy all their needs. But you know how cheating works. In the end, somebody always gets hurt. There are numerous scenarios and any of them have ever ended up happy.
I’m a psychologist and life coach sharing my inspects and knowledge about relationships, mental and physical health, and tips on how to make your everyday life comfortable for living.